God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
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[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Ummm
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.