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*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure