Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
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Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
lol
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.