I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
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The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.