[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should