Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
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What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower