*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
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We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.