For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
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drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else