My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
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When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter