[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
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The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real