me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
“You’d better run, egg!”
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
first you must answer his riddles
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies