Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
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Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question