My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
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My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
For those that worship cheese..
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe