Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
You Might Also Like
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”