I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
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Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.