I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Festive toon…
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano