[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
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I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
This guy’s not having it 😆
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback