“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
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[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I just ran a .003048K
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.