I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
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I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us