Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
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[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
greetings!
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
The Onion called it…again.