“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
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It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
good work, everybody
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.