One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
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brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
What’s so funny?
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.