sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
You Might Also Like
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
🙂🙃🥹
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”