My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
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[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“I wouldn’t.”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself