[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
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I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*