If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car