When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.