Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
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ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My new favorite headline
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased