bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
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So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: