me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
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It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation