The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
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Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir