“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
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Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.