BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
You Might Also Like
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
dream blunt rotation
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU