My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
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There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?