A little too much information.
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Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.