I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
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Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Beware of the dog..
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
respect
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish