I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
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*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Ah..makes sense now
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.