Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
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Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I’m literally crying
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.