If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
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Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning