I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
You Might Also Like
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
🤣
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
nice challenge
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.