I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
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In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.