Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
You Might Also Like
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
🙅🏻
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired