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How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
WTF
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed