Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
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Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light