she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
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My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them