Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
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me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.