[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
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There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.