If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
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i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
what’s the point then??
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing