The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
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Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
I hate when that happens.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
We decided to have money instead of children.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”