Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
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Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
tinder is all about the long game
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.